Thursday, December 02, 2004

My Interior Decorating Column

Being of a female persuasion I'm supposed to be interested in interior decorating. So far I have neglected this important topic for blogging, because I don't know anything about it; interior design is, after all, a field in which people study for degrees and stuff. But my genetics appear to make me qualified to tell how to furnish a house or an apartment, so I better give you my secret hints and tricks. Then even you can live in something as glamorous as the Snakepit Inc.!

Echidne's Rules on Interior Decorating:

1. Pull up all fitted carpeting. You never know what might lurk in its depths: eggs of fleas, toenails that you lost five years ago, maybe even sperm from some long-discarded boyfriend. Fitted carpeting is disgusting. Besides, rugs have the advantage that you can lift one edge and sweep the dust under the rug.

2. Install mirrors everywhere, lots of mirrors! That way you can see your own beautiful/handsome/interesting mug wherever you turn. It boosts your self-esteem, reminds you of the purpose in life and also adds to the light levels in your dwelling.

3. Buy doormats with George Bush's face on them. This is self-explanatory.

4. Paint at least one room screaming red or midnight black. Call it your guest room and have Athena and all relatives like her stay there. Provide a very uncomfortable bed and make sure that the window has cracked panes.

5. Don't install an open-space toilet. It's a downer in parties and dogs will drink from the bowl.

6. Hang up lots of pictures of snakes, especially if you have fundy relatives. Then you'll always have something to talk about.

7. You must buy sheets. You must change them frequently. And no, turning them over and then back-to-front is not the same thing as changing sheets.

8. Banish all guests who shed hairs in the bathrooms. Bathroom hairs are disgusting unless they come from dogs.

9. Buy comfortable chairs for yourself and anyone else you like to have around. Buy very uncomfortable, rickety stools for everyone else. This maintains peace and harmony in your house. It even works if the other comfortable chairs are for dogs, as long as you have one spare one for yourself.

10. Unless you're into corpse worship, get rid of dried flower arrangements. Nothing reeks of death and lost hopes and the end of all good things as much as the dusty corpses of plants in a vase. Unless it's ruffles. Ruffles reek of death, too, so get rid of those asap.