The Biggest Crutch (by Phila)

Dan Kennedy has taken a long cold look at these United States, and concluded that we're a bunch of pussies (or as he'd put it, "p*****s"; he's very careful not to shock the shrinking violets who read his column).

Pussies, believe it or not, are the antithesis of "tough guys" like Jim Brown and Clint Eastwood. They're effeminate, in other words. (Unless they happen to be female, in which case they're women. Which is just as bad, and possibly worse.)

As usual, pussies are ruining everything, primarily by asking for help from the government:

When did it become so ordinary, so acceptable to be a p***y? To be so helpless and inept and pathetic? And why don’t we – and our elected officials and our media – look all these embarrassing people in the face and tell them to go make their own crutches or lie by the side of the road and rot as they choose?

Good question! I'd say it's because we're not entirely worthless and useless people yet, despite conservatism's long effort to conflate having a conscience with lacking a penis, and lacking a penis with being a silly, shrieking hysteric whose mere existence constitutes an assault on guyhood, and therefore undermines Reason itself.

We've been told that we're supposed to act as if no people on earth mattered more than Americans, and that we must deny our fellow Americans food and medical care when they fall on hard times. But to our credit, most of us can't quite manage it. It bothers us, somehow...almost as though it doesn't come naturally to us.

If some computer consultant feels certain in his heart that God created the world's creatures in a matter of days, many conservatives would argue that this trumps any and all scientific evidence for evolution and the age of the earth. But for some reason, strong convictions about the importance of helping the poor and the hungry and the vulnerable never seem to call the virtue of selfishness into question. Not even when greed is bringing the country down around our ears, as it usually is.

The funny thing is, this self-styled tough guy, who informs us that "the biggest crutch is thinking you're a victim," insists that he's being victimized by hungry children, abused women, wounded vets, the mentally ill, and all the other losers who are "lining up for crutches" in our Land of Opportunity. He doesn't just resent them and the people who want to help them; he's actually frightened of them.

Jim Brown said: “A liberal is arrogant enough to think he can do you a half-***ed favor. He is superior enough to think he can give you something that you don’t deserve. A liberal will cut off your leg so he can hand you a crutch.”

The statements will be no surprise to roughly 50 percent of this country. We know them to be true. It’s why we fear liberals.

Roughly fifty percent, eh? That's an interesting claim, given that it's a lot more accurate in terms of the male/female split than the liberal/conservative one. Perhaps that's what's frightening him?

You can't blame him, if so: If women weren't preventing men from playing their proper role in society, orphans would starve in the street, as God intended when He created this world as a giant sandbox for dead-hearted solipsists like Dan Kennedy. But instead, women and their pathetic male courtiers are tossing tiny pink spanners into the delicate clockwork of Social Darwinism. No wonder Kennedy feels like there's a pair of pinking shears nipping at his balls.

So what's the solution, men? Let's all act like Dan Kennedy thinks Jim Brown would act, seeing as how Mr. Brown never has and never would personally benefit in any way from any sort of bleeding-heart progressivist imposition like clean water or public schools or civil rights.

I imagine if a liberal handed Jim a crutch, he’d beat him over the head with it. Even if he had to hop on one good leg while doing it.

Yeah, 'cause there's no insult more deadly than handing a destitute man with only one good leg a piece of wood that'll help him walk. A real man would hop to the nearest tree, hack it down with his pocketknife, whittle it into a crutch shaped like a nude woman, christen it "Josephine," and then use it to beat up hoboes and immigrants.

Dialysis machines and iron lungs and skin grafts are a bit trickier, granted, but the basic principle is the same.

I don't want to paint too black a picture of Kennedy, though. Certainly, he's nothing if not evenhanded...at least when it comes to pussies. For example, he doesn't approve of handouts for redundantly wealthy pussies or homeless and sick ones. Massive taxpayer-funded bailouts for people who already have millions of dollars are just as bad, to his way of thinking, as underfunded programs intended to feed or clothe or house the poor.

And if that's not fair, what on earth is?

UPDATE: In comments, Cass points out that Jim Brown is, indeed, a tough guy.