Friday, February 29, 2008

How To Dis Women Hilariously

Joel Stein gives us a very handy lesson on that in his most recent column, fetchingly called "A little something for the ladies." Note the term "ladies" and the "little something"! Could it be....a diamond ring? Ooh, shiny! Gimme, gimme! If not I shall stomp my tiny foot and cry! And you will not get laid for a century at least!

The column isn't about what to give your little lady on Valentine's Day to get the blowjob you've paid for, nope. It's about women as political animals. Well, as political pet animals, really. It's also a very very funny column, and I'm going to show you how you, too, can write a funny column like that.

First, though the column is supposedly on women, make sure that every man reading it will think of his little bit of armpit fluff instead. For instance, you could begin like this:

You know how ladies, when they don't get what they want, can go a little crazy? Am I right, fellas? Right now, they're pretty upset about losing their first chance at a female president. This would have empowered little girls, shattered sexist beliefs about female incompetence and forced men around the world to view a woman as an agent of power instead of a sex object -- all of which, it turns out, are important to women even though they buy Star magazine. Ladies are complicated.

Pure male genius, that paragraph. Notice how he gets you to agree that women are crazy, in the very first sentence? Women cry and get angry for no good reason at all, whereas men never get angry or crazy. Never. The third sentence explains, subtly and sneakily, how women are illogical, too, because they really want to be sex objects, even if they pretend they don't. So you have to appease them, placate them, for what else can you do when someone is crazy and illogical yet necessary for those sexual uses?

The next paragraphs elaborate on women's silliness and immaturity and the easy way that a man can cope with that:

Because women do most of the voting, and the shopping and the TV watching and the book reading -- porn really must take up a lot of men's time -- they need to be placated. Which shouldn't be hard. You know how when your dog dies, your wife wants to get a puppy right away? That's what America has to do. We need a replacement Hillary.

Because while women are sad that Hillary Clinton seems poised to lose the Democratic nomination, they're even more dejected that there appear to be no women with enough political stature to run for president next time. That's why Barack Obama and John McCain need to pick female running mates. Either that or we're going to have to find some money in the federal budget for 150 million flower bouquets.

See how clever our Joel is? That puppy question, for example? How does he know that every single wife wants a new puppy when the dog dies? Is he a mind-reader or is he linking women to what children might want when a family dog dies? To sort of infantilize women (the majority of Americans)? He's a brave guy. And so very funny.

To return to the version of women as someone's difficult wife or girlfriend: Those creatures need placating, and flowers will do. Well, if women are more like pets-with-benefits, something like a rawhide bone might do as well. But a nice bouquet of roses with perhaps a tiny teddy bear which says "I wuw u!"; those will make her cheerful and quite content. Who cares about the number of women in the Congress when you can have twelve long-stemmed roses instead!

In the rest of his very funny column Joel gives us various scenarios of how we could stuff a little lady into the slot of the Vice-President, should the roses not work after all. Some of those scenarios even give men eye-candy! Tits! Yeah. But he ends his monologue by noting that the unreasonable and emotional women would not be satisfied with a female Vice-President:

Will a female vice president really satisfy women? Of course not. But what does? The point is that we'll be showing them we understand that their frustration is legitimate, and that we're hearing them, and that we're ready to listen. That stuff will totally buy us until November.

I love that ending! See how brilliantly he managed to insert something about how women always need to talk about their emotions and to be heard and how men never listen? Well, now they listen, hand out roses and Vice-Presidents. Of course none of that is enough, because women are emotional, greedy, impossible to understand, yet childishly easy to divert by just a gift or two.

The end of the lesson. Now you know how to write a really sexist (but ohsofunny) column basically stating that women (the majority of Americans) are illogical, insatiable, emotional and silly creatures. Warning! Do not try this approach with any racial, ethnic or political group other than women. You will get severely told off, even fired, if you do.