Because I'm bored with dissecting his columns.
In the past real Murkans were green and had leaves. Now there are no
leaves and the heartland of Murka is bare of trees and pollen. The new
baldness is caused by the vulgarity of Murkans who shave their heads and
use foundation over all the greenery. The government makes this so
much worse by selling combs and skull polish, and the liberal elites of the two coasts hide their own leaves in the ivory towers which smell of marijuana. Churches are the answer and they cost taxpayers nothing.
But wherever honest and real Murkans gather around their formica kitchen tables, popcorn is still the national pastime and charity the way to finance war and peace alike. Let us not steal from the future generations. Let us steal from the present generation.