Friday, August 22, 2008

When Men Not Only Let Their Hangups Show But Hang Them For Display Themselves by Anthony McCarthy

What is this about, anyway?

Maybe you already knew but I gladly acknowledge my spotty education had left me ignorant of “truck nuts” until a friend told me about them yesterday. For those of you who are as behind the times as I am, they are simulated testicles in a scrotum meant to be hung below the trailer hitch of a truck. Self awareness isn’t high among the attributes of the macho mind but this is too obviously weird to miss.

When he first told me, I thought my friend was pulling my, uh, leg. Then I looked it up and found out that it, seriously, is going on. And until I read deeply on the subject I hadn’t suspected it was a mature cultural expression complete with artistic evolution, esthetic nuance and moral ramifications.

* There are two major differences between the 1st Generation AND the 2nd Generation of Truck Balls developed by

* The Original 2nd Generation Balls are 2" shorter and have the hole through the side rather than front to back like the 1st Generation Balls. (top hanger type)

* This 2nd Generation Balls * Lock-and-Chain Mounting System was designed primarily for ALL trucks (1/2, 3/4 and 1 tons) with the 2" x 2" hitch receiver tube on the truck. Simply wrap the chain around the hitch receiver tube, snug it up and lock it in place, rotating the brass lock up on top out of sight. (no tools required)

# This slightly shorter length also works well for vehicles OTHER than 1/2, 3/4 and 1 ton trucks, such as suvs, cars, quads & bikes.

# 2nd Generation Balls are shorter and lighter, however they have not lost the hefty, fullness of the O r i g i n a l 1st Generation Bulls Balls and Big Boy Nuts.

# Our 2nd Generation chain balls allow more ways to hang AND they remain swinging even when pulling a trailer, also this design prevents the negative look of flippity flopping of the nuts at higher speeds. They simply float nicely as the air pushes them gently up and back.

# Also with the hanging chain and padlock ( included ) they are much more secure from impromptu theft. At least the bad guys have to bring a pair of " Bolt Cutters."

Yes, that unsightly flippity flopping at higher speeds is just so off putting. No doubt we can all appreciate that the “hefty, fullness of the Original” was retained in the second generation. You appreciate that they’re fairly redolent with quality. Standards to rival those of many Olympic sporting events. It’s nice to see that there’s one part of the Bush economy that isn’t lagging, drooping or cutting back.

A quick google of the them will show they are sold in many colors, including brass and other metallic colors. The message of those is probably self explanatory. If I could make an critical point, the symbolism might be a bit muddled on the blue ones.

Who is supposed to admire these things? Women, either lesbian or straight? I don’t think the right sound to express the idea that a woman would find these alluring can be produced by the human vocal apparatus. Eeeew! doesn’t get to the start of it. One hopes that it isn’t gay men who are supposed to find this attractive, at least this gay man hopes not. If either straight women or gay men could be attracted to intimacy by these, I despair of humanity.

That leaves only one segment of the possible audience and the thought of straight men hanging these for the admiration of other straight men, the implications of which are too twisted to follow. As my friend said, men are buying them and crawling under their trucks to install them, so this isn’t an unconsidered act. What does it mean? It’s not Yosemite Sam on a mud flap. Anyone care to speculate?