Monday, June 13, 2005

Back Home in the People's Republic of Snakeland

I am one happy goddess right now! Skipping and dancing around the Snakepit Inc., kissing the ground and otherwise making a racket. I am back safe and sound and even my hounds Hank and Henrietta are happy! We have all returned from our spying mission behind the enemy lines and we caught no deadly bugs, not even fleas! I do have several nearly uncracked 1970's dinner plates, from yard sales, and some broken costume jewelry that could be very good if someone quite skilled worked on it for a few days. Then I could give it away as presents. - These purchases were a necessary part of my cover in Wingnuttia: I had to go to yard sales on Saturday and various churches on Sunday. Those were the only places where Fox News wasn't on all the time. I swear that this is the reason why half of America has gone bonkers. The most expert decoders should start searching for the brainwashing messages in the Fox broadcasts.

Bill O'Reilly has a frightening face, especially when it is plastered on a wall-sized Wingnuttia television screen while you are trying to eat hot dogs (without eating the dead animal bits) and mayonnaise and lettuce with mayonnaise and Miracle Whip pizzas. The pores in O'Reilly's skin started looking like long escape tunnels to me, and I had to claw the plastic that covered the dining room chairs not to try to jump into his nostrils. At the same time someone's "very religious" Cousin Walt was trying to sink his nose into my breasts. There is so much very open and very vulgar sex going on in Wingnuttia and most of it is about tits.

So you can see why I couldn't blog very well. All this plus the difficulties my stomach had with the mayonnaise and the fact that I hate iced tea and it hates me and keeps me awake all night if the mosquito bites do not. I am knackered as the people in the north of England say. I'm also very snotty and uppity about all this, and before someone else points that out I wish to say it first: Yes, I am a very arrogant goddess and think that I'm better than the Wingnuttians. And no, they are not all bad or bad at all, and I will write serious and eloquent epistles about my experiences later on, so eloquent that your ears will tear up with the beauty of it all. But right now I need to be bitchy, because I'm covered with mosquito bites and tired and I have just driven nine hours with two large dogs breathing on my neck the whole time. And the reason for my trip was to be a kind and caring angel to an ailing quasi-relative which I did. I also cleaned a house and washed ten loads of laundry and organized a nursing rotation and de-flead someone else's pets. Just so you know that I have earned my bitching rights.

On the way back I passed a large advertisement for "adult entertainment". You know, tits and tits. Then, only a mile later, another large board advertized "adult housing". You know, nursing homes for the elderly who are not yet bed-ridden. This combination made me laugh for the last fifty miles. We humans are really a weird species. I'm glad I'm a goddess.

Real political blogging tomorrow.