Friday, August 20, 2004

Can You Walk and Chew Gum?

I can't. At least I can't drive and think. I've been on the road for three days, and the only act of thinking I have been capable of was to communicate with some very nice pine trees. I understood the real meaning of e pluribus unum, but I can't express it in anything but pine language. So.

This morning the temperature was 68 degrees Fahrenheit. Four hours later it is 90 degrees Fahrenheit, and I'm still attired for 68 degrees. Of course four hours ago I was in a different state of the union, one much cooler and more piney.

Pine trees are not very fond of people. I suspected that, but to be told so in very direct words (not repeatable here as children might be looking over your shoulder) was shocking to say the least. One of the pines wanted me to take over as a temporary goddess of pines, largely as a PR stunt, I suspect, but I had to refuse as I'm a very minor goddess and have my hands full of snakes.

The job is open and I have been given the permission to advertize it here. The pines don't discriminate on the basis of gender, religion or sexual orientation. They couldn't care less of any of that, but they're adamant that any successful applicant must hate chainsaws and property developers, must have chewed on pine tar as a child in lieu of gum, and must be willing to learn to speak Pine within a year. The duties consist of tree hugging, advocating in Washington, D.C., and of pouring sugar into the gas tanks of chain saws. The remuneration is deemed extremely good from a pine's point of view, but I'm not sure what it consists of, other than the fact that the selected goddess or god will not be decapitated by anyone belonging to the pine family.

Let me know if you're interested (not with a paper application!) and I'll forward the particulars to the Big Pine.