Friday, April 06, 2007

Nifty Things To Do With Plastic Milk Jugs

I need to break out my narrow feminazi niche. How about some handy household tips? Then later I could do a post about how to furnish your house out of Salvation Army Thrift Stores (yup, I did that) and a later one about the fifty cent cocktail ring I bought recently at a car sale.

Let's start with the household tips. If you drink milk you are quite likely to have those plastic milk jugs in your domicile. Don't just recycle them. They are lovely material for crafts, sports and self-improvement. Here is my list on new lives for your milk jugs:

1. Save until you have two and then fill them with sand. You have cheap weights for all those bust-enhancing exercises. And if you keep them by your bed you can also use them to cosh any midnight intruders on the head.

2. Take an empty milk jug and poke tiny holes in its bottom. Fill it with water, put the lid back on, and bury the bottle next to the thirsty plants in your garden when you go away for a few days. The water seeps out slowly, the plant won't die and you now have a garden with mysterious plastic objects buried in it. Think how happy future archeologists will be to hit on the Plastic Jug Culture era.

3. Take an empty milk jug, stick a lollipop in its neck and glue feathers all over the plastic. You now have an Easter chick and you can fill the bottle with some Easter booze. This is a good gift for your new in-laws, for example, especially if they're religious Christians.

4. Save six plastic milk jugs and cut off the tops so that you end up with what looks like plastic tumblers. These are excellent wedding gifts. You can personalize them by painting pictures of foods on the sides. I always send these to those brides and grooms who only give me a very pricey wedding-gift list to shop from. That way they know I cared enough to give them something home-made and different. Or so I think, as I usually don't hear from them again.

5. Take two empty milk jugs and cut off the bottoms until the remaining tops are the size you would like your breasts to be. Put them on (with some glue, perhaps) before going out to try bras that fit. You can leave the lids off or on as you please. This is a good stopgap before you can afford to have breast-enhancement surgery. The jug-tits also serve as self-defense weapons because you can bump into people with them. And as the milk jugs come on different sizes you can really go to town with this. For instance, you could have different-sized breasts on different days of the week.